"exhale 1"
Where shall I start? Tings dat are really getin to me are things like me mum,me dad, me family in general, best friends now enemies, virtually have no mates even reading the above makes me feel dumb,but i feel my feelins go unnoticed or unheard so I just need to get a lot of stuff off me chest,lets start with
as cant trust a damn sole in the world bar my partner but he shuldn be my whole life, companies that dont care, credit card giants crushing
us minorities,even when your in the right with a legal issue the police do nothing, knowing that if you are unsatisfied with something and complain, it falls on deaf ears, i get so angry in person, can only contain myself when
I type, which sucks, I know i have good vocabulary, I know how to word things but as soon as i feel its not goin my way then BANG!!! the physcho in me comes
out, its instant, im like a loon, but with cause i say.
my mum, it realy annoys me dat im a 20+yrs and a wellfare baby, my mum complains that she wants me lil bro nd sis to be in school so she can start her life
and always said she wanted to work, yet me lil bro nd sis are in high school now and still she does nothing, this was a woman that would not be able to start
her day without a coffee, nowadays its burboun and cant memba last time she had coffee, and pot my o my shes a pot hound. me and my sis had bout ten yrs with
her before the next two siblings were born and we were strugglin when there was only two kids to care for. As long as she had her pot and grog her worlds ok
meanin we wouldnt cop it, i even memba wen i was a kid a relo asked me wat i was goin to get me mum for her b'day, i said a smoke. we grew up on two minute
noodles and wen there was bread and butter to go with, we thought that was gormet. both me and me sis to this day dry reach wen we smell noodles, and me mum
dont give a shit, she would take take take and give abuse, i had bout 4 signet rings she kept hocking on me, losing in hock shops and replacing, then hocking
the replacement, then as i got older it was me stereo, mobiles, walkmans, anything she could hock she would and the dumb hock shops keep takin her, they even
accepted a vacuum cleaner!! and i guarantee you as shes leavin the hock shop shes callin her dealer if not already arranged and be heading to the nearest
bottle-o so she could get a bottle of bourban or a four pack, then and only after she's cracked that can in public, she'll then maybe consider feeding us, and
it would be like $3 hot chips and maybe a seafood stick each? and then expect us to share that with our stepfather and relo who lived with us, they also smoke
and drink and literally eat everything as its walking through the door, if on special occasions we were able to get food put aside for our school lunches
we knew each night we went to bed they would sneak into it and raid all our food and then laugh at us about it when we complained. and wats ironic is that
ive spent majority of me life obese, i know hard to imagine wen i say we hardly ate, i dont get it myself, i do memba though once maybe a week we would get
pizza or somethin and it was like a race each time food was presented to us, i even memba me dad at my 13th he came up to me and said just coz theres leftobvas
doesnt mean i have to eat it all. I used to hide from my mum in me room cause if she caught me on my fat ass watchin tv she would go hectic. dont know how many
ttimes shed get me younger siblin to drag me out to the park and told her to make sure i run my fat ass off, my name to her was fat ugly cunt. she always used
to tell me how much i embarras her being in public with her cause im so tall and fat and shes small and skinny, shed drag me to the bathroom a number of times
and get me on the scales but naked infront of tall mirror screaming how ashamed she was of me. She had taken me to every weight loss place prior to me being 16
i memba this as every place said i was too young for them to assist me. not like she could afford it anyways i think it was another way of her justifying to
herself that i am obese, cause thats what each dietition said so that was all she needed to hear to continue abusing me. I dont know how many times that woman
has bashed me and i do nothing i just accept each punch and kick etc, threw me down a set of stairs when i was 5 coz she couldn get a knot out of my hair. Shed
get me and my sis on our knees with our noses touchin the walls and hands on our heads whilst she showered.my dad was no where in the picture really as she
kicked him out when i was 5 and then hooked up with a total loser. wed see our dad maybe once a fortnight on a weekend and he took more of a shine to my sis
coz she was the slim pretty one and she liked football, his favourite, our step father always displayed he didnt like us and even moreso once he got my mum
pregnant, i honestly feel like i was an inconvenience in my mothers life, typing this is makin me really think about it and i feel that she feels that her
partying life was over once we were in the picture and she didnt want it to be that way, so thats why our needs and concerns did come after hers, it saddens
me to think i am not lying here, im telling the truth and it really stinks, for some reason i never acted out behavour wise, like i did excellent at school,
i never wagged or got suspended, i think my entire school life i got detention areound 5 times? like i was a good kid, when i was allowed to stay at a friends
house overnight, i never gave their parents a reason to say a bad word about me, i always tried to get my mothers approval always wanted her to be proud of me
and she never was, she sometimes would get a case of the guilts and break down and cry and apologise for being a bad mum and i would say shes not a bad mum
to make her feel better, and come to think of it each time she got the rare occurance of the guilts i think she was drunk, just didnt realise so much till now.
i feel so dumb for even wanting that womans approval, she of all ppl has done more foul to me and i have wiped ppl for less.
